1. Andy Carroll is one of the best young players in World football – It’s always exciting to learn new things. It’s amazing the sheer wealth of information we don’t know. The Internet is like one giant Blitzkrieg panzer wave of trivial coffee table information. It’s almost impossible to log onto a forum or discussion board these days without learning at least four new things every second. I for example, never knew the earth was being secretly run by giant shape shifting Lizards, and that our only source of true information, and thus salvation from this hideous fate, is Coventry City’s former goalkeeper. Thank God I had the Internet, and the opinion of a former footballer to set me straight. And thank God (or the Lizards) that I also had Sky Sports news, because what would any opinions be worth without the authoritative verification of a former footballer? Nothing. Which is just as well, since another thing I evidently didn’t know was that Andy Carroll is one of the best young players in World football, and also, the best young striker in English football. Carroll is evidently a bright, promising young go getter with plenty of spunk and verve and hair, but I can’t remember anyone elevating him to the pantheon of World football’s brightest stars before this season, or indeed before this transfer window. Thankfully I was assured of this corrective truth by those veritable titans of knowledge and insight – the Internet, and former footballers. Not only is Carroll one of the best young strikers in football according to Tony Cascarino (which I presume depends largely on what your definition of ‘young’ ‘one of’ and indeed ‘football’ is) he’s also “unhandleable” according to Iain Dowie (except by Kevin Nolan of course) and – according to one esteemed internet source – “has the potential to be as good as Torres”. Quite what he has the potential to be as good as Torres at was never explained, but I’m sure there’s something else in there beyond growing.
2. Liverpool have gotten fleeced – Yet another thing I learned was that Liverpool had been fleeced in their dealings, and that Chelsea & Newcastle had clearly emerged from their respective negotiations cackling and wailing at the moon in their undoubted triumph and mischief. This comes as somewhat of a small surprise to me (though not as much as the Lizards did) as Liverpool seem to have ended up with two relatively young, promising and diverse strikers, for the rough price of the one seemingly unhappy and constantly injured one they’ve lost. Chelsea on the other hand have splashed extravagantly on a position they weren’t particularly troubled in and Newcastle are left with a huge amount of cash, but no central striker, with still half a season remaining to fight for their right to spend it in the Premier League.
3. English players are preposterously over expensive – There’s really no two ways about this. No wry satire or sarcasm to cloak it in, it’s just a simple fact. English players are preposterously over expensive. If Rafael Van der Vaart and Javier Hernandez combined can cost roughly the asking price for Charlie Adam, and almost ten million under the fee for Darren Bent, then we might as well just beg the Lizards to take over, cos we’re obviously making a complete hash of things as it stands.
Continued on Page TWO
4. Fans will always make complete fools of themselves on television – While it’s never been quite clear to me why fans would walk around the outside of a football stadium during a non match day morning anyway, the general rule for anyone being interviewed or larking around behind a reporter is that they have to – universally and unequivocally – be a gibbering, socially incompetent idiot. This goes doubly so when the number increases by any above two, and reaches asylum levels of insanity when a large congregation amasses during breaking news. The unfortunate victims this time round were sensible Liverpool fans, who were made to look like a bunch of wailing, gnashing, ASBO arsonists by the small group of over excitable fans who’d congregated outside Melwood to stand behind a SSN reporter dancing, singing, swearing and burning things. Which naturally leads us to…
5. That shirt’s just so hot right now! – So fast and instant is our multi-media world these days that good old-fashioned effigy hanging a la David Beckham and Sol Campbell is no longer the route of choice for unreasonably angry football fans. Something more instant is needed. Ready and available to be uploaded to youtube and facebook in a flash. And thus, the era of the shirt burning began. Inspired by the episode of Shameless breaking out at Melwood, a selection of even dafter Liverpool fans decided to show their solidarity by taking to their gardens, camera phones and lighters at the ready, to film themselves burning their own Torres shirts, along with – as pointed out repeatedly by a wave of their increasingly exasperated colleagues on Twitter and the like – the club crest. Not to mention some pretty nasty acrylic toxins to boot. Not to be outdone – for they are never to be out done in the realm of disproportionately embarrassing themselves and their fellow fans on television – A pair of slightly less angry, but just a dim Newcastle fans decided to burn their Carroll shirt on video. Only terribly badly. Succeeding only in spending a full eight minutes setting light to everything but the name on the back. Bring back effigies I say. If you’re going to be embarrassingly over the top and angry about something, at least put some bloody effort into it!
6. Fernando Torres has blue blood after all – Whilst still in the wake of the revelations that Wayne “Street Striker” Rooney wouldn’t just play for the love of the game after all, another relative bombshell hit the ever-depleting state of football loyalty, with the realization that Fernando Torres might not have been such a die-hard Liverpool fan after all. There’s no escaping from the fact that Torres was punching well below his weight challenging for the Europa League positions, but it was always assumed that his supposed love for Liverpool would prevent him from forcing an exit to an English rival, or at least do so with some decorum. This is the player after all, who played his last season at Athletico with YNWA printed on the inside of his captain’s armband. Many Liverpool fans would blame Torres simply for leaving, just as many Newcastle ones would Carroll. But football fans are idiots, we’ve covered that already. However as understandable as his reasons may have been, his actions were a touch more surprising. Handing in a request towards towards the end of the deadline? Bit harsh perhaps, but telling Chelsea TV that it was always his dream to play at a top club and “now he can”? Ooooooh, ouch. That’s gotta hurt. Perhaps he was just a really big Rogers and Hammerstein fan after all?
Continued on Page THREE
7. Planes, Trains and Automobiles – Something that may well have contributed to the anger, bewilderment and general confusion, was the fact that nobody seemed entirely sure what anyone was doing, or even where they were. At one point reports had suggested that Fernando Torres had been air lifted from training in a helicopter, despite him leaving the ground a good time earlier in an Audi and remaining in Liverpool until every last shirt had been burned. This didn’t stop the speculation spreading however, and Charlie Adam was later supposed to be on his way up to Anfield, or possibly Manchester, or even maybe Madrid purple monkey dishwasher. This was based almost entirely on the word of someone in the outside reporter’s ear, who may or may not have been real, and possibly a mild form of delusional schizophrenia brought on by having to stand in the cold outside of a closed training ground all day whilst the Lord of the Flies broke out around him. The Adam to United rumor kept resurfacing, despite absolutely everyone denying it, and seems in hindsight a story cooked up entirely by Sky Sports to prevent their outside reporter standing in front of things in Manchester from throwing himself off a bridge in abject boredom.
8. ‘Arry can’t resist a bit of Football Manager – Good old ‘Arry. He just can’t help himself can he? Despite telling the wild outdoor reporters circling his car in the morning that he’d leave as soon as training was finished, he stayed well into the night making audacious bids for Charlie Adam like some kind of obsessive-compulsive Championship/Football Manager addict. I can just imagine him sitting in his office shaking, Bluetooth headsets strew across the floor, muttering “Just one more, that’s all, just one then I’m done” whilst his exasperated coaching staff tried to prize the phone from his hands. I can’t help but feel actually being a football manager with this mentality is a perilously dangerous position to be in. Like an alcoholic who works as a wine taster or a croupier with a gambling addiction. You know you don’t really need seven players in every position Harry? Let it go. It’ll be ok, just take it one window at a time.
9. People standing outside, in front of things – Once again people stood manfully outside, in front of things (and occasionally people) whilst the news was being broken on twitter ten minutes before anyone spoke to them. Hurrah!
10. We’re the Kings of the castle, and you’re the dirty rascals.- And as the madness swirled around them, and everyone laughed, and cried and generally scratched their heads in utter bafflement at one of the most ridiculous days in English transfer history, the two men at the very top did nothing. The two men who’ve spent the longest at their clubs, building up and nurturing countless generations (well, probably about four) of young and promising players, sat at one and two doing diddily zip. The two men who’ve spent the last few years bleating on to anyone who listened about there being no value in the market, did nothing but watch the market go even more bananas. But then there isn’t really much to do when you’re at the top of the Premier League table. Apart from look down, and perhaps laugh.
You can follow Oscar on Twitter here http://twitter.com/oscarpyejeary where you can tell him how horribly unfair he’s been to your club in particular.
[divider]
Picklive lets you compete against real people for real money… in real time! Take part in the WBA v Wigan match and play Picklive for FREE Go on, give it a go!
